dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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