i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
