So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm passing your future prison.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I woke up under a house in Key West
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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