What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
