So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
