just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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