just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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