Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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