You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
