You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
