Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
