just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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