I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
