so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
