I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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