I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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