So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
