Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
