Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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