a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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