I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
