Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
