I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
