Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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