Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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