Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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