My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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