"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
