i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
