Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
