do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love how my cats smell like pot.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
