i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
