I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
