I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
