I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
