I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I AM VODKA MAN
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
