I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
