nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
