I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
