you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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