Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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