just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
