Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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