Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
