my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
