everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
