I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
