I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
