My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
