My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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