Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
