dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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